Adventures in Bartending

Last night was my first experience behind the bar, tending drinks to worthy citizens of Crested Butte, Colorado. I’m always nervous to start a new career path and learn the necessary skills to flourish. I’m afraid that people will think I’m stupid and call me vile names. Turns out, being a bar wench is really easy. I caught on quickly. Ca$h registers are funzies! The only getup was some dumb asses from Denver ordered Kamikazis and I quickly delegated that task. We aren’t in fucking Cancun. This is a beer and whisky sort of joint.

When I first heard about this opportunity of pouring liquor down throats, immediately I conjured images of one of the best films ever made – COYOTE UGLY. I mean Tyra Banks acted in this movie. What could you ever ask more of cinema? Tyra and the gang not only crack open brewskis, they do so with lots of swagger . You ask for water at Coyote Ugly? You get sprayed in the face.  Please see trailer.

I really relate to the plight of young Violet.  A young girl naively tries to procure gainful employment, and subsequently finds her self singed by the burning flames of hell. Hopefully with a lot of hard work and dedication, I too, will be able to twirl bottles and light bars on fire and do little jigs for all to see!

Anecdote- Last night there was a middle aged woman who was getting the sexies from the band. She was shaking her hips. Thus following, she removed her brassiere and placed it on the pyramid of booze bottles on the back of the bar. All the employees were stumped on what to do with this undergarment. No one really wanted to touch it and get cooties. Enter stage right, Vulcan, night security man. With a long pony and a knife in his holster, he manned up and put on leather work gloves. With no hesitation or lapse of courage, Vulcan removed the unsightly item from the bottles. I’m not sure where he put it. But, I’m curious if the trollop with return to the bar to fetch her lost item tomorrow. Hell, this ain’t no credit card.

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One thought on “Adventures in Bartending

  1. […] and tall, White and Latina, sweet and saucy, grandmas and toddlers in tiaras. The definition of Coyote Ugly Syndrome can be described as the complete loss of inhibition and a magnetic attraction to dance atop a bar, […]

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