Rustle-rustle, boom, grrrrrrr, snap, crackle, pop, echo through the alleys at this time of year.
What’s that noise?
It used to be naughty bears. Out thirsting for revenge, since Goldilocks royally fucked up and got her saliva all over their porridge. With their no prisoner mentality, bears threw trash cans and gnawed on pre-teens. Since days of yore, our community has taken many precautions to avoid unwarranted attacks and accidents. Bear proof trashcans have greatly reduced bear related crimes. It has been communicated tirelessly to keep snackies out of ones car. Fewer break ins have been reported. And for once, it looks like that bears and humans may work out their differences. Bears are keeping to their berry patches. Us humans, are staying at the bars and graveyards. And everyone is coming together in a joyous union, holding hands, playing ring around the rosy, and coexisting peacefully with the ursine population.
So if things are happy go lucky in the streets they call murder – what is that elusive clamor?
Good people of Crested Butte- this is a warning. What is lurking in the dark shadows of alleys, is far worse than some bear cubs. According to sources that will remain unnamed, a certain devious couple is.. fornicating in the alley ways. Keep your children locked in their bedrooms. Don’t walk your dogs during the witching hour. Please do not take your trash out after the sun sets.
This begs the question – did we clean up the alleys with our tireless preventative measures, just to ensure a place for debauchery? Is it better for the youth of the nation to risk a bear attack, or witness live porn in our neighborhoods?