Sometimes living in America feels like being under a two story out-house. Oh yes these really do exist in prefabricated Old West set ups. There is also one in Crested Butte, Colorado. Unfortunately the first level is out of commission in the winter because the snow is too damn high.
America, America, with its credit slipping to a measly AA(hell that is still what a 96%? That will get you on the honor roll!) and elevating debt ceilings and sinking ship of a stock market. What are we ever to do with all of this time we have to ourselves being unemployed and contracting Type II Diabetes? And then I start to think about all the library books people aren’t returning. And then my favorite Puerto Rican Power Couple – JLo and Mark Anthony didn’t make it. Therefore, there is no hope for any of us or the Dow Jones. And it gets too be too much for my pea sized brain and my cold cold heart.
Coupled with this, I just suffered through an Ernest Hemingay novel called For Whom the Bell Tolls. It is a very unpopular opinion to dislike this book. I encountered many people that scowled at me when I confessed that I felt no fireworks for his so-called-masterpiece. The protagonist is an ass hat and should have stayed in the USA where he belonged, instead of trying to fuck up bridges in the Spanish Civil War. Looks like even back then, Americans weren’t savvy about minding their own bee’s wax.
To cope with all of these disappointments, I have begun reading a book much more up my alley. It is entitled Bizarre Colorado. First off, the font is size 18. Chapters are 2 or 3 pages. There are pictures! It is so wacky! It fills me with good and ideas and probably some not-so-good-ideas.
Listen here, there was a gentleman in the days of yore that suffered a leg injury and was forced to cut off his own leg with a rusty knife. That’s not right. I think there was a doctor, routine procedure. Not the point. He was fitted with an artificial leg and as it goes, these are quite handy for smuggling items in the prosthesis. This joker worked at the Denver Mint, so he just stuck some gold bars in the ol’ leg day after day. He was caught by some squares at the Secret Service, lacking a sense of humor. But it makes losing a leg not seem like such a terrible thing after all. To think of the damage he could of done at the mall! It would be so easy to blame the metal detector on the fake leg!
But perhaps that is what the modern generation of Americans is lacking is this ingenuity. No one is stealing gold bars in inventive ways anymore. Americans are consumed by fear and the internet, which are synonymous by the way. We all want to complain and not do anything about it. So my advice is if you are feeling low with all of this bad news, get yourself a copy of Bizarre Colorado by Kenneth Jessen.