weighing in on divorce

Years pass. Times change. Eventually Santa can’t fit down the chimney. But just like Scrooge or the Grinch, someone is always eager to ruin the holidays. A modern way to tarnish this special time of year is getting a D I V O R C E. And that’s exactly what happened when Katy Perry and Russell Brand abruptly ended their stroll down Lovers’ Lane. Now their family, friends, and fans must suffer the consequences The famewhores that they are – they just couldn’t let Christmas be about presents and cookies – it had to be their dissolved marriage. And my role, per usual, is to speculate on whaaaaaa happpened?

7 things that may have gone wrong

1. Katy Perry’s parfum, eau de toilette, is a nauseating kitty piss scent that just won’t come out of the furniture.

2. Russell Brand will not wear cherry chapstick. Katy is disillusioned as she remembers the days of kissing girls with sweet lip balm and liking it.

3. Political disagreements about which heretic will assume the throne of the Republican Party Presidential Candidate.

4. Different ideas about faux finishes in the home

5. Brand does not put the toilet seat down endangering the rest of his household.

6. Russell will not agree to weekly spray tans, and Perry finds his pallor insulting.

7. What started out to be a friendly game of Monopoly ended in biting and name calling.

Katie’s music will surely turn somber. Following, pre teen girls to reject love and romance and descend into sluthood, or worse, nunnery. But Katie and her pink hair and Russ and his unkempt facial fur! They seemed to be a match made in a cotton candy wonderland.

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